...and right now I'm going to update with random, but very pertinant thoughts. pertinant to what? to me. to the present tense. mind flow is what it is. and I can't believe it's hitting me in the middle of late afternoon on a rainy day. perhaps it's the washing nature of rain. the clouds that block out all the mind-piercing sunshine and allow for more clarity (in irony to the cloudiness...)... perhaps the clarity is not really all that clear but somehow again a calm has entered me. perhaps brought on by orgasm. perhaps brought on by simplicity. perhaps brought on by a white chiffon dress that can only be worn in the house since it really is too pretty to be worn elsewhere. I don't know. I know I am here. I know I'm not sad. I know, though not sadly, that I am not quite happy. not even hum-drumily content. I hate "content". yet I so long for the peacefulness of it. though I know that were I content, I'd be extremely restless before long... so here I am. embarrassed? yeah, a little bit. why? because I am. because I was so sure of myself and yet again I turned out to be so wrong. so if you can't trust your own judgement then who's can you trust? hmmm ... don't you need a sense of confidence in your own judgement in order to deem another's judgement reliable? fucking chain of thoughts. tangents. one blooms from the other, yet neither nor is all that important. so, yes, random thoughts... I'm about to start a part-time regular gig at the entertainment magazine I left 2 years ago and swore never to go back to... it's a non-creative temporary position doing production puppet work for the great and evil force that sent me fleeing from that superficial fake-ass world... and for what? for an extra $400 a week and perhaps to appease my longing to get back out there into the "normal" droid-filled 9 to 5 world - and it's a comfortable compremise - since it's only 2 days a week, so I won't quite get sick of it or take it for granted. This should be interesting. Putting my face and body and mind and soul out there into the streets of Toronto again, without a child. masquerading as just me. not as a mother. this should be good for me. I think. Perhaps I'll meet more humans. perhaps I might even like some of them. I am surely looking forward to not being so stuck inside myself - because i know it will only make me want to return to myself with much more respect. not get lost in the vast darkness of this restless fucking mind. too much resent. too much awareness. too much distaste, disappointment. Seriously, though, I feel like my mind has be like a steel ball inside of a pinball game. Just fucking bouncing around without direction. but frantically, ya know? each hit sprung me hard across the plane and *boing* back I bounced to hit and another and another. but I suppose this is what makes me real. this is what makes me conscious. no? I'm stuck in this state of resentment and I know it's no good. I know I need to just deal - and that is usually what I do: just deal. but lately I've been throwing tantrums. whatever whatever. fuck it. we all lose it at one time or another. Las week I watched Spanglish and cried like a baby at the end. WTF? I don't even cry, generally.
anyways... attention span gone. I'm done. wait - one more thing: i trust but i don't trust - because time & experience keeps adding rings to my cynical tree that is me. yet intrigue is a seductive muthafucka. what an adventure (this "life" thing).
