Everything is in slow motion this morning. I feel old. The worst of it is that I feel old and yet still naive in so many ways.
I have to stop swearing. I've been too liberal with my 'fucking this' and 'fucking that' spews. So unclassy... so raging... so stupid (I hate that word 'stupid').
As I said before, this is a bad time. This morning it's raining. Outside my window is a brick wall (that can't be good for the psyche). But the rain is cleansing. Perhaps I can attach to it the befitting and proverbial task of washing away my sorrows, my issues, my heavy film of unneccessary grime. Why not? What better thing does the rain have to do this morning, afterall?
I do feel old. Silly as it is, I think it's creeping up on me. No, it's not the gravest of my mind-weights lately - not even close - but for some reason it's cutting ahead of the others and making a surprise dash to the front. Subconscious wariness of the turn of a new decade? A more serious decade? The decade where there are no more excuses for juvenile behaviour - the decade where the push is more of a shove now to get to a place in life that has more to show for all my efforts. Stop living life like a I'm a passageway for it - become a vehicle on this road of life and make it my bitch. 'Cause up until now, I've been the pathetic bitch to Life.
HEY! Noemi! It's can't be 'Mind Flow' if you read what you've written before you stop writing! So on I go...
There's a theme of unsettlement to this lfe of the gypsy. From way back when... I remember feeling this sense of being stuck in my own damaged mind as early as 9 years of age. My family life was a horrible painful circus of blind rage. I've been kicked out of my home as many times as I can remember by my mother (she seems to have conveniently forgotten in her old age) - but always dragged back in before I turned the corner. By the time I was 17, I pre-empted my mother and surprised her by just moving out without telling her. And I think that's near the time I started to live on my own terms - a thing that is absolutley necessary for me. I have issues with sharing myself. I need to have things go my way. It's not good, and I make an extra effort in lieu of this to accomodate the needs of others in my proximity. But my best tactic so far has been just to push away (eventually) the people who want to get too close. Having a child is a huge challenge with this "issue" of mine. I was raised to always put the child's needs first. And, for the most part , I do. But there are times when i just can't.. times where the smiles come with great difficulty... and those are the times that ware me down because I hate myself for it.
I am unsettled. I wonder when i will ever get settled. It seems I go up and down all the time. I'm very good at convincing myself that I am settled at times. But all in all, there's no rest here. I really don't like being here - here without the option to abandon my head.
Honestly, I'm just wondering when things will get better. I know it's up to me. I recognize that so clearly. I just need to drop the bags.
