smoking cigarettes again this morning. seems I've been doing that a lot. too much, perhaps. I feel it burning me from the inside... but it's almost like I'm in this very silent and passive self-destructive mode. breaking it all down to a very rubble so perhaps I can start building up the structure again. I don't quite like this foundation right now. still has residues of resent staining the inner walls. scrubbing it clean would be a vain effort. there will always be slight tinges of the dirt remaining. dirty. dirty soul, dirt mind... gotta break it all down, that's all. till there's nothing but raw earth underneath. and then what? I don't know yet - have to see that earth under my feet in order to clearly visualize what the structure will look like.
this image... I should not have posted it, perhaps. a dark moment (again, yes). my excuse (a lousy one): I could not remember my username or password to get into this fucking blog. since the moment I arrive 'home' I've been trying to retrieve it. And funny fucking coincidence, I woke up this morning with a mail in my inbox from Blogger (finally! it was such a delayed response to my password-retrieval request) directing me to the keys to open the padlock. A sign, if you will. Sort of a kick-in-the-head type of thing - where I look back at last night and I think "well, I could have just waited"... but I thought to myself just post the damn pic and let the fish mow down. be a whore! be a whore damnit! so I am a whore. heh. Budapest... a few days of my life spent in a strange soup of ups and downs and ins and outs. so much in just a few days. the ingredient that leaves a bitter taste in my mouth is the fucking resent. resent towards the company - resent that I did not have the balls to follow my instinct and inform the chaperone that I need no accompaniment. that i much rather journey alone. so more kicks to the head. more "i told you so" echos... can I hang on pathetically to the self-pacifying thought of "live and learn"? I rather not. sure, I've learned, but it seems insincere, this lesson, since I already knew. but i have this stupid way of always giving people and situations the benefit of the doubt. even in the beginning, my first impression of him was that he was a lonely and almost pathetic guy. I sensed his hiding behind silly humor and strange kindness. but I gave him the benefit of the doubt - perhaps only because he seemed so committed to his efforts to open me up. I should have known.... heh.
but i should stop this. I know myself - it all feels too familiar again. don't let yourself get lost in stupid idealism, n. remember your live-in-the-moment feelings when you were in the thick of it all. don't lose grip on that. there was a purpose to your anger. there was a solid reason for all. deceit. plain and simple. all was deceit. but doesn't that way of thinking trap me in stupid victim-mode? to be deceived... how pathetic. I'm smarter than that. and in the moment I was. but how can one reject warmth? ah.... whatever.
so now, back in Toronto. back to hanging my hand out the window with cigarette between fingers. back to staring at a brick wall and diverging my glare towards the sky, towards the brick, towards the window frames so that the neighbours don't think I'm spying on them. I hate the idea of being intrusive. so I don't look. I don't need to look. I don't care. and now, back to work.
