i've got nothing. generally that's how it is now when it comes to thoughts materializing. I don't want them to. Before, it was the very digital manifestation that somehow validated the existence of these thoughts, now that very same materialization, be it as digital as it may, is what cheapens my thoughts. Feels like advertising. Yet, ironically, I'm here. digitally materializing. But it's almost like trying to push lead through a quicksand puddle. so much for mind flow. just have to let go.... I don't know how much longer I can hold my breath like this. But I suppose I don't have much choice. no, there's always a choice. I just seem to have mastered the art of making all the wrong ones. I've learned, though. I swear there's been knowledge gained. So, no, it has not all been in vane. I don't belong here. I don't belong here. This is not the place for us. We know - we both know - as one. My son. Things happen for a reason. This entire year and everything leading up to it has been playing out to be some sort of cathartic eruption. Long awaited, yet unmistakably drawn out at the same time. Shit, you can just call it plain and simply a long streak of bad fucking luck. Difference is that I've gotten less and less efficient with my perseverance capabilities. Impatient. I see how far I've come, and all in the blink of an eye. I'm not ready to grow old yet. I'm not ready to roll downhill. I'm still struggling uphill and would really like to reach that peak. again. maybe that's it. maybe it's happened already. I've had some adventures. but it all seems like little flicks and flacks of sparkle poofs. makes no sense. and this is where I get sick of my own self. all this is is whining. chin up. shut up. move forward and go where you want to go. stop being such a pansy.