downswing.
why does that happen? just like that...
i was beaming at sunsrise yesterday. I was vibrant, tiredly so, but shining under the blur.
touch. rest. healing. quiet. breath. mouth. skin. warmth. coconut. honey. almonds. dark chocolate. desire.
what I have is desire. too much, perhaps. I do not like to feel desire because it emphasizes the lacking... when nothing really has to be viewed as lacking. I'm only human, I guess. I'd love to think of myself as a speck of a speck more than your common livestock-ish human, but in the end we are all the same. just different manifestations with the same capacity. it is all a measure of will. of adaptability. of superceding. of evolution. inherently, that's all I strive to accomplish day by day. evolution.
...but... but... I've come to the fucked up cross-roads in my life where I just cannot settle. The restlessness under this skin is daunting sometimes. I want but I don't want. I need but I really don't want to need. I see it in you, too, you know? whoever. in all. we say - we convince with such utter conviction - ourselves and others that our needs are not there. that we are content. that we are even the opposite of needing - we choose not to need because we are cool with the space that space gives us. but you know what? i see it in your words. and YOUR words. and yours, too. all of yours. we all need. we spend a fraction of our quiet moments of solitude infront of this machine scanning for human signs. blips and blaps and frequencies that intersect with our own. and then we tap. and the tap taps back. and the tapping begins - back and forth. then the pitch changes to a pitch that is more of a shrill krrrrrrshooshksssssswwwwwwwwwk that is more a nag than a melody and we stop the tapping. and that fraction of scanning time becomes a moment of regret. a moment better forgotten. a moment leading to cynicism. more so than before. we are the same. you and me. sometimes you see it. sometimes you don't. doesn't matter. just be honest with yourself.
yes. honesty. i am here. i am aware. and I have no shame. everything has a reason behind it. every action. all this wonderous other-worldly shit that we impose on every-day physics is nothing more than that: physics. kinetic energy is the basis of it all. surreal is just a super-consciousness of the real at hand. I move. you move. i tap. you tap. i swing up, you swing down. I swing down, you swing up. the transfer of energy. these pixels are pushed and shoved by my cerebral actions. get it? do you see what I am saying? talking shit, am I? I don't believe so. look for the manifesto. the pixels will at some point convene somewhere in the nether-space. (that sounds cocky, don't it? even a bit sci-fi nerdy. oh how I love this dork that lives inside of me).
I give myself to gravity too much, I think. I'll swing up later, promise. it's a wild ride, I tell ya. the scenery can be beautiful. a pleasure at times (often, depending on what pleases the passenger). turbulence is a constant. but it does eventually recede into the background as a hum, more than a clanging. sort of like the streetcars in front of my apartment. the windows rattle and my home rumbles at 6am every morning til 2am in the night. but it's become ambiance. because i found that wavelength of tolerance. I wish I could find the tolerant wavelength for my own self. wouldn't it be nice to get off this ride for a while? or at least distract myself with another wavelength.
touch. skin. breath.
simple.
but not.
I'm in no mood to share. yet I wouldn't mind being taken.
you see? I know. I know...
