do you see these clouds*, my friend? * remind me to run out and grab a snap of said clouds after I finish volmiting out this mindfart. it's funny, i used to look at these same clouds (well, maybe not the same clouds, but simliar ones..) and have the SAME thought that I had tonight, after all these years: "I wonder what's behind those clouds?" what's on the other side of those clouds? I can see their golden linings... all dark and purpleblack in a pool of fuscia and orange and pale yellow and blue.... I can see the Sun sinking down lazy and drunk, much like me at this hour in the long-stretched day, spurting out that last irridescent glow in her bid to us goodnight and good sex. or sleep, for those less interactive than the rest. what I would give to live a day behind those clouds --- I'd be bored as fuck, I know... but just to have that different perspective for a while, to break the monotony, to give a little more deeper or etherial meaning to life. scratch that - there is no meaning. that's all too subjective. we all have a right to our own perspectives and deductions from incidents and such in life. so not "meaning", but perhaps "side" or perspective. nah... i just want to see the other side. even if its boring. if you meet someone who you want to keep around, you need to do something about it. just DO something about it!!!! what are you afraid of? You're still alive. You didn't fall into a deep pit of despair. you took a hit and you shook it off. and then you went and got all fucking soft again. what the hell is wrong with you? make a decision and stick to it. you know what's good for you. you're already picking up signs of potential trouble... head up in own ass syndrome being a key factor... anyways... i challenge myself to fuck myself in the face even harder than i've already been fucked. this is an analogy, of course.. leading to imply that i've let guys walk allover me and never stood my ground to say that I have demands (?) (not really) (just needs and desires, really).... fuck i hope nobody reads this shit. what a pile of bullshit. I need to clear my head and either try one last time and prepare to go down in a viscious spiral of fiery death more likely than what I would be going headfirst in there in the first place... give it the right moment, though. if it's going to happen, it has to happen naturally. otherwise it's a rehearsed skit and it will reek of insincerity. how the hell do you spell viscous? ah, like that...