whatever

it's been a long time. it's actually been more like never anymore. I've been warned and I've warned even myself to not stifle, repress, but to express, release, and release fluidly. But it's so different this time. I just don't want to release. sure, it's all coming out anyways, no matter what, but it's less putrid to just think it and flush it, rather than to embellish and engrave it into time in a physical manifestation. just make it disappear. out and away. out of the way. but it never really gets out of the way. I'm in the worst place I've ever come across in my life experiences. and - just as at this very second - I get sick of hearing myself talk about it. it is what it is. it just is what it just is. can't do much about it. just get through it. get the fuck through it and hope you end up with some life left in you to still savour and produce good strong kinetic movements through time and space with my personal ebb and flow. but no one is listening anymore. no one wants to hear this story. everyone rather just act like it's an outside thing - something outside of their parameters of community, of love. and now I sound like a pathetic whiner and complainer. I know better than that. I'm a molder, mover, bender, plier of things. Or, at least I'd like to think so. So many connections lost, so much love dissipated into nothingness, so much past past past gone away why bother to remember it when it just hurts and brings about feelings of regret. and so much for that. expressed.